Life update- I can't believe I'm on my 30's now!!

How's life? How's everything going these days?

To give you a picture, my last blog was written from a small apartment in Juan Luna, South Sea Barangay, Rizal, Makati City (now part of Taguig City). Back then, I was living with my boyfriend and our best friend, Jinky. It was a studio unit on the fifth floor with a surprisingly large kitchen and balcony area, and it only cost ₱4,500 a month, ALL IN.

The three of us lived together like we were in an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. We shared one queen-size sofa bed that somehow fit our slim bodies at the time, had a tiny shower room, and lived with very little. Yet somehow, I still had enough space to dance around. We didn't have much, but we were packed with big dreams, endless hope, and excitement for what life could become. What a wonderful way to navigate adulthood, right? But that was five years ago...

Now I'm 31, turning 32 this October.

As I write this, I'm sitting on the balcony of my DMCI condo in Pasig City. Above me is a sky with fewer stars than I'd like, and below me is the endless movement of C5. It's the perfect blend of city chaos and peaceful solitude. I'm sipping Berocca, sitting in my favorite balcony chair, and listening to my "sanity" playlist songs like Time After Time, Forever Now, What a Wonderful World, Little Wonders, and many more.

I'm still with the same boyfriend, Lloyd. The difference is that Jinky is no longer living with us. She's building a beautiful life of her own now and preparing for her future with her soon-to-be husband, Jeff.

We've been living in this condo for over a year now, and in many ways, we're truly living the life we once dreamed of. We've traveled together more than I ever imagined. We've been to Japan twice—once with my cousin and another time with my mom to celebrate her 60th birthday. We watched Lady Gaga's Mayhem concert in Singapore. We've explored Malaysia with friends, traveled to Thailand as a couple, and visited countless beaches and local destinations around the Philippines.

Our home feels warm and welcoming, at least from my perspective. Then again, everyone loves their own home, right?

We got engaged. Then we didn't. That's a story for another day, but Lloyd and I are still together.

I'm doing OMAD, yet I still crave a Java Chip Frappuccino non-fat, no whipped cream. I'm trying to stay consistent in the gym and build a healthier lifestyle with Lloyd.

I still have big dreams and hopes, but they feel different now.
I'm still me, but different.
The same taste in music, but a different understanding of the lyrics.
The same cravings, but different portions.
The same skills, but different work.
The same resume, but different employers.
The same clothes, but a different style.
Everything is the same, yet somehow, everything is different.

So why am I writing this update? Honestly, I don't know.

What I do know is that I've been feeling tired lately. Maybe lazy. Maybe stuck. Maybe something else entirely. It's complicated.

Right now, I don't have a regular full-time job aside from running my agency, MaxOut, which isn't quite enough yet. I'm working on my relationship with Lloyd. I'm carrying the responsibility of being a breadwinner for my family. I'm trying to be strong, smart, dependable, and friendly all at once. I want to be a good kuya, a good cousin, a good partner, and a good son.

Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to be everything for everyone. Maybe that's why I'm writing this.
Maybe I'm not looking for answers. Maybe I'm just thinking out loud. Maybe I'm simply exhausted.

For years, I've worked so hard for everyone around me that I don't know what it feels like to slow down without feeling guilty.

Is this a midlife crisis? Honestly, I STILL DON'T KNOW.
I can't even properly describe what I'm feeling. It's a strange mix of laziness, indifference, fear, and hope. It's like caring deeply and not caring at all at the same time. I want to define it. I want to understand it. I want to give it a name.

Maybe the world already has a word for it. Maybe it doesn't.
Either way, I'm sorry for dumping all of this here. My thoughts are all over the place tonight. But here's what I do know.

I don't want to live a life ruled by regret or fear.
I want financial freedom—not because I want luxury, but because I want peace. I want enough savings and income to stop worrying about every financial decision.
I want a happy life with Lloyd.
I want to see my siblings build lives that make them proud.
I WANT TO LIVE A LIFE THAT FEELS FULFILLING AND HAPPY.
I want to enjoy the simplest moments of everyday life.
Watching my favorite movies and series with Lloyd.
Watching It's Showtime during lunch.
Drinking a Java Chip while taking a break from work.
Dressing up.
Owning a beach house where Lloyd and I can spend our younger years and eventually retire.
There are still so many places I want to see, experiences I want to have, and memories I want to create.
So, Universe, please help me.

Help me get through this chapter.
Help me overcome whatever this season of life is trying to teach me.
Help me become a better person.
And if possible, help me find my spark again. I know deep inside I can, I just need a little push and some pixie dust.

So, that's life for now.